This diagnosis was, a wrecking ball.. plain and simple. How could such a strong person be punished with such an outcome..

We had many conversations in that hospital over the next week. And at the time they weren’t going the way I thought they should. Mom didn’t want to move forward with surgery. How could she not want to… we were told a matter of months, maybe if she didn’t do anything. If she did do the surgery, it was unknown but promised more time… there’s that word again, time..

The first few days at the hospital only family and close friends were informed of what was going on.. trying to organize numerous people that just want to come give well wishes, love and support is harder than you think.. mom was receptive at the time of visitors but she was also tired. I spent some time sitting on my iPad in the waiting room creating a family facebook page. Somewhere that i could relay information without repeating myself 15 times throughout the day, and to create somewhat of a schedule for visits so that mom didn’t get to tired.

My brother and i have never been extremely close, I’ve always had an immense amount of respect for the man. Strong willed, extremely intelligent and the most successful person to come out of our family.. what he and i lack is the ability to connect. I wear everything on my sleeve, i lead with my emotions and i feel everything personally and deeply. My brother is very methodical, logical.. numbers, stats, facts.. I’m still learning to balance my emotions to be able to communicate with him in a way that he would see me as more than his kid sister.. anyways that day, my brother looked at me, after I had spent so much time organizing family and putting out figures all day and told me that i as good at what i was doing.. that i needed to look into doing it for real..i felt so proud in that moment that i was doing something to help mom, and to make him see me as useful, even if it was just a social media thing..

So i posted and friends came. Family came. My heart was feeling the support… my mind was struggling to grasp at what was really going on, it felt like a movie.. still mom wasn’t ready to have brain surgery again. At that moment ( it may feel like 100 days at this point but it was only a day or two after diagnosis) brain surgery was off the table, and a DNR had been signed, she didn’t want a feeding tube, she didn’t want to burden.

My best friends mom is one of the other strongest women i have ever known, cancer survivor, and amputee.. i stood with her family when they thought they might loose her. I don’t know how i would have gotten through what i went through without this family. Anyways, my best friends mom went through a lot to say the least and for some reason I had a feeling she could get through to my mom. Help her see she could still fight. They had texted me and asked if they could come visit mom, and with her ok, they came late one night and sat in the room with her, hugs and hand holds. My mom knew how important they were to me, how much more important they would become… i left mom to speak with that family alone… now i cant say for 100% that she convinced my mother to continue fighting because I wasn’t there, I wasn’t in the conversation, but through my eyes, my mom emerged from that moment ready to give it a try… I don’t know that i have ever told my best friend or her family of that day and what i think they did for us.. I don’t know that i could get through it.

The next day we invited friends and family to meet in the waiting room on moms hospital floor. We wanted her to be able to visit and see them one more time, since we didn’t know what the outcome of surgery would be or how she would be feeling… i sat in one of those hideous teal chairs with wooden armrests across from my mom in her hospital gown, hospital socks and a grey zip up. Her legs tucked up under her on the bench leaning against the wall next to my dad… I snapped a picture.. one of the last pictures before the unknown… I added that to a collection of sunrise pictures i had taken each morning at the hospital. Something to remember each day is new. Also something I learned from my best friend and her family in their darkest time.. Just make it to each sunrise… We smiled, we laughed, and had a wonderful visit, everyone gave mom the love and support and strength she needed to get through the next day.

So buckle up here were go, were going to do surgery! Were going to give her the best chance we can! Some of The next moments that happened that stick in my mind are ones that had me fuming, beyond pissed wanting to punch a wall.. but at the same time they there are ones that feel my soul with love and support.