Well i left that awfully dramatically… that’s me.

So i left of touching base on moms surgery and coming home. Yes she had a paralyzed tongue. I found my self often describing her speech afterwards to someone that is hearing impaired. But she handled it, I wouldn’t say well because there were many struggles in the beginning. She went from being a very articulate person to struggling to form words clearly…how would you take that? But she handled it with grace, rarely did she let anyone see when it got to her. Moms Vision was helped with specific glasses with prisms in them. But beyond that mom fought so hard and came back from it stronger than ever. 10 years, we had 10 years of “normalcy” before it all changed again.

At this point your probably wondering how we circle back around to the whole 27 year old pregnant girl looses her mom.. we’ll get there, our story is a long one.

It’s crazy to me now to think back, i mean really sit down and think back… I don’t remember my own mothers voice, pre surgery.. how can i not remember her voice?

I’d give just about anything to go back 20 years and live in those moments forever.. mom yelling from the grandstands while we showed our horses.. trail rides, fights…any and all of it. It was all taken for granted… we live on borrowed time.

I told you in the last post that this was a cluster of a story and were going to bounce around a lot, bear with me if you choose. It’s what is coming to mind in the moment and what i feel needs to get out to process.

Ok so we talked about the initial tumor, mom was, well, tough. She was able to move on from the feeding tube, and for the most part get back to eating whatever she wanted. She got back to riding and even went back to work. One of the most loved things she did was her art work. Hours spent upstairs at the house painting away. I loved all of it and I loved being able to attend and help her at the bazaars she would do. It was something we could do together and enjoy and have fun. I have many regrets in this life, one of them being, not giving her more time. More of my time. she was able to be there for my engagement, my wedding and the announcement of my pregnancy and the gender reveal.. all that i am so grateful for..

I remember little things, that i think i had almost numbed myself to. A cough, a struggle to get water down, even slower eating than normal. But in the moment they were just shrugged off. She would say she was fin and i believed her, I didn’t want to make a fuss and embarrass her at all. I should not have believed her. She was currently working and hating it (as she always did at that place) but things were off and i should have seen it, again, i should have given her more of my time. Maybe i would have seen more.

August 26th 2018.. my best friend and i went out on a trail ride. It was a beautiful place I hadn’t been in years. It was a typical Pacific Northwest day, raining but absolutely stunning. We had an amazing ride out in the middle of nowhere drenched from head to toe… I wish i could go back to that day and make it last a little longer, hang on to that feeling of absolute peace a little longer.

I’m hitting that moment again where I cant really give an exact memory.. i think i was at work at the pharmacy. And i think i got a call or a text from my dad that he was taking mom to the emergency room. She had tried to write herself a note and he found it. The hand writing looked like that of a toddler. This was not normal. Come to find out she had been having issues for a while, writing and seeing and was hiding it from us. I don’t entirely blame her. I cant even begin to imagine the fear and feelings she had to go through in her mind, alone. She knew. She knew exactly what was going on.

August 27th 2018.. the day we found out mom had multiple brain tumors return… the day our whole worlds came crashing down yet again. A day that i hate, a day that doesn’t mean anything to anyone else, but for me its one i try and find light and peace on now.. because it robbed me of so much.

I believe i left work early and met them at the hospital. Mom was in the emergency room for a while before being admitted. 2 of the tumors were inoperable.. one was fairly large. The doctors told us that she had a few months maybe, if she did nothing. Or we could try surgery again and debulk the largest tumor to allow the brain to swell during chemo/radiation. I remember sitting in he hospital room holding my mothers hand crying that it wasn’t fair and it wasn’t ok. She squeezed my hand and told me it was ok. How in that moment did that woman put her fear aside and tell me that it was all going to be ok.

The next few days were a blur to say the least. I have snapshot memories.. i can see moments that happened but i cant seem to place the whole puzzle together in my mind. I have point A and point B and the middle is a massive tangled mess… ill get it all out.. eventually.